The Eminent Bakery of Crumpetopia is a mammoth, orderly nation, ruled by HC Gabriel Lancaster with an iron fist, and renowned for its public floggings, rampant corporate plagiarism, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, cynical, cheerful, devout population of 8.645 billion Crumpetopians are ruled with an iron fist by the dictatorship government, which ensures that no-one outside the party gets too rich. In their personal lives, however, citizens are relatively unoppressed; it remains to be seen whether this is because the government genuinely cares about its people, or if it hasn't gotten around to stamping out civil rights yet.

The medium-sized, corrupt, socially-minded, well-organized government juggles the competing demands of Defense, Education, and Industry. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of New London. The average income tax rate is 99.5%.

The frighteningly efficient Crumpetopian economy, worth a remarkable 3,457 trillion Crumpets a year, is mostly comprised of black market activity, especially in Information Technology, Arms Manufacturing, Tourism, and Beef-Based Agriculture. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an amazing 399,961 Crumpets, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Police officers that upset their bosses get assigned to 24 hour stakeouts of bike sheds, people who are too good at riffle shuffling get disappeared by the secret police, graverobbers claim they're acting within the interest of 'scientific preservation', and roads are often attended by round-the-clock construction crews. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Crumpetopia's national animal is the Eternal Anglo, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests, and its national religion is Church of the Baker.

Crumpetopia is ranked 226,606^th in the world and 163^rd in Fifth Empire for Largest Trout Fishing Sector, scoring -1.79 on the Nemo Depletion Efficiency Index.