The Kingdom of Ekpatanus is a colossal, efficient nation, ruled by Sam Michaelidis with an iron fist, and remarkable for its smutty television, ubiquitous missile silos, and devotion to social welfare. The hard-nosed, cynical population of 3.329 billion Ekpatanusians are ruled by a mostly-benevolent dictator, who grants the populace the freedom to live their own lives but watches carefully for anyone to slip up.

The medium-sized, corrupt government juggles the competing demands of Education, Administration, and Defense. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Kestrahaim. The average income tax rate is 48.6%.

The frighteningly efficient Ekpatanusian economy, worth 558 trillion Drachmas a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with significant contributions from Tourism, Arms Manufacturing, and Trout Farming. State-owned companies are common. Average income is an impressive 167,790 Drachmas, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 4.5 times as much as the poorest.

The government is hounded to provide tissues whenever the feelings of the Dàguó people are hurt, children who drop their ice cream are fined for littering, relations with Dàguó have warmed from frosty to chilly, and exports are stamped with "made by the invisible hand you commies". Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Ekpatanus's national animal is the Golden eagle, which soars majestically through the nation's famously clear skies, and its national religion is Orthodox Christianity.

Ekpatanus is ranked 12,856^th in the world and 14^th in Corsair for Safest, scoring 117.19 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.