The Intensive Care Unit of Candlewhisper Archive is a titanic, efficient nation, ruled by Dustin B Twinnears with a fair hand, and renowned for its rum-swilling pirates, sprawling nuclear power plants, and otherworldly petting zoo. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, humorless population of 23.936 billion Archivists live in a state of perpetual fear, as a complete breakdown of social order has led to the rise of order through biker gangs.

The minute, corrupt, liberal, pro-business government, or what there is of one, juggles the competing demands of Industry, Education, and Administration. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Monaster. Income tax is unheard of.

The frighteningly efficient Archivian economy, worth an astonishing 11,449 trillion slightly manky dollars a year, is driven almost entirely by the private sector, which is broadly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with significant contributions from Retail, Soda Sales, and Book Publishing. Average income is an amazing 478,339 slightly manky dollars, but there is an enormous disparity between incomes, with the richest 10% of citizens earning 2,716,545 per year while the poor average 41,091, a ratio of 66.1 to 1.

Sofas are perpetually on sales that Must End Soon, young children are learning advanced physics to scientifically disprove the existence of Santa Claus, posters on 'Archivian Values' advise against being proud of Candlewhisper Archive, and starving citizens are offered nuclear pasta. Crime, especially youth-related, is so common that it is unusual to encounter someone following the law, perhaps because of the country's complete lack of prisons. Candlewhisper Archive's national animal is the Six-Toed Ugly Dolphin-Octopus Thing, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is New Clear Scienceology.

Candlewhisper Archive is ranked 2,275^th in the world and 34^th in Forest for Most Cultured, scoring 249 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.