The Republic of Caltoway is a gargantuan, cultured nation, ruled by President Slater with an even hand, and notable for its smutty television, national health service, and devotion to social welfare. The compassionate, hard-working, democratic population of 16.263 billion Caltowayians enjoy extensive civil freedoms, particularly in social issues, while business tends to be more regulated.

The medium-sized, liberal government prioritizes Education, with Healthcare, Administration, and Industry also on the agenda, while Defense and Spirituality aren't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Heycott. The average income tax rate is 73.1%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The frighteningly efficient Caltowayian economy, worth a remarkable 3,082 trillion Dollarydoos a year, is fairly diversified and led by the Information Technology industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Book Publishing, and Retail. Average income is an impressive 189,538 Dollarydoos, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 2.0 times as much as the poorest.

Therapists dispense hugs for heroin dealers and cuddles for crackheads, visiting dignitaries often end up cuddling in the hot tub with President Slater, claims adjusters are uselessly vague, and there is something rotten in the state of Caltoway. Crime is totally unknown. Caltoway's national animal is the Bat, which is also the nation's favorite main course, and its national religion is Pastafarianism.

Caltoway is ranked 89,004^th in the world and 3,937^th in Lazarus for Safest, scoring 87.06 on the Bubble-Rapp Safety Rating.