The Stupidly Big Police State of Cafe Hell is a colossal, orderly nation, ruled by Cafehito with an iron fist, and renowned for its closed borders, public floggings, and ban on automobiles. The hard-nosed, cynical, humorless population of 6.707 billion Cafehito little playthings are ruled without fear or favor by a psychotic dictator, who outlaws just about everything and refers to the populace as "my little playthings."

The large, corrupt, moralistic, well-organized government is primarily concerned with Defense, although Law & Order, Industry, and Administration are also considered important, while International Aid isn't funded at all. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Cafeburg. The average income tax rate is 98.3%.

The frighteningly efficient Cafehito little plaything economy, worth a remarkable 2,796 trillion Cryptoes a year, is driven entirely by a combination of government and state-owned industry, with private enterprise illegal. However, for those in the know, there is an enormous, deeply entrenched, quite specialized black market in Arms Manufacturing, Information Technology, and Uranium Mining. The private sector mostly consists of enterprising ten-year-olds selling lemonade on the sidewalk, but the government is looking at stamping this out. Average income is an amazing 416,979 Cryptoes, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Astronomers are flocking to Cafe Hell to take advantage of its clear night skies, pet loving officers arrest citizens who don't give their dogs enough biscuits, the government has become increasingly militant, and this year's televised Budget Forecast has been cancelled because there was already one last year. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Cafe Hell's national animal is the Humans, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation, and its national religion is Flanelism.

Cafe Hell is ranked 283,179^th in the world and 98^th in Arakeia for Most Primitive, scoring -390.13 on the Scary Big Number Scale.