The Land of Kings and EmperorsBoard

Long ago, The land of Absitterra were untamed by man and pizza deliveries. Its wildlife as beautiful and as luscious as its land, then a man on a ship landed here with 3500 men, women, children , and goats. Damned goats...

When the first men arrive they were shocked when they saw various different and strange animals like Land Lobsters, Carnivorous Plants, and the Occasional Double-Headed Eagle.

Now more about the people.
The people were pioneers from a very distant land, maybe 10 beard-seconds away, where a mad guy named John tried to kill'em all.

And Now for something completely different but still related, somewhat, to the History of Absitterra.

The War of the Flowers

To be honest, this is still the history of Absitterra and something completely different but still related, somewhat, to the History of Absitterra.

Two something something years ago was the begging of the Great War of Goa- no, Flowers... Yes, maybe...

This war happened du to the fact that there was only a 250 mile by 234 Kilometer patch of Flowers in the entirety of Absitterra that was in between the borders of two great houses. House Malii and House Galiae

Now, since flowers are rare, both sides started feuding on who could get the patch of flowers (They couldn't decide to split it up since it was the middle ages.)
and it eventually led to war, Yay...

On August 16th 2__ years ago the Lords Julius Malii and Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae march to field of flowers.

Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae had a force of thirty five thousand men.

Whilst Julius Malii had twelve-thousand seven-hundred and nineteen men.

Both armies prepared for battle. Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae arrayed his men in classical order, Like Infront of swordsmen Infront lf archers flanked by cavalry.

Julius Malii arrayed his army differently,
His pikes were at the centre and his swords on the flanks and his cavalry, and archers, were nowhere to be seen.

Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae advance forward, his men clad in full plate.

Julius Malii did not move, his men in boiled
Leathers, mail, and sometimes plate.

Soon Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae's men had reached the front of Julius Malii's men.

Julius Malii ordered his men in the centre to pull back slowly, and they did. He then ordered his flanks to advance forward. A double envelopment.

Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae saw this and had moved his cavalry to assist the flanks.

But then, a warhorn blew to east and out came from the forest Julius Malii's Cavalry with mounted and dismounted archers raining hell upon Ericus Quintilus Maelidictus Tertius Complexitus Nomenus Galiae and his men.

Soon, the cavalry struck true and destroyed and annihilated the enemy force. After this battle, the Maliis won the field of flowers.

End of the War of the Flowers.

THIS DISPATCH IS OVER STOP READING.

In the year 1135, settlers kicked out from the Greater Soicien region began looking for a new land to find. At first, they began asking the locals where they could go. One tribe, sick of the new arrivals, told them of an area just southwest. This area, however, was believed to be impassable by the local tribes. Their wish was for settlers to die making it over the forests and mountains, but the settlers made it, but with half the population they began with. A wagon party was sent out in the front, carrying the leader of Hekp. When he overlooked where is new home would be, he looked at it, and asked for a glass of water. The water, according to reports, was "pretty filtered".

When everyone else came in, the settlers were amazed by the bountiful land they had encountered, not inhabited by anyone besides the animals, who were there first, but no one likes "That Vegan Teacher". Seriously, her content is pathetic. Anyway, they looked over the glorious land, and asked to one another, "Hekp?", meaning (in old Hekpian), "What paradise is this"? Over time via bad storytelling, a few historians getting drunk on vodka, and the telephone game, this monomer stuck as the nation's name, giving us the Empire of Hekp.

However, an Empire can't exist unless there are multiple ethnicities, leading us to the next bit. When the tribe the Hekpians had asked heard of their success, they became spiteful and angered against the new citizens of Hekp. Fortunate for the tribe, all those wagons meant that now there was a pass through the badlands. They attacked, and began to raid Hekpian settlements. Hearing of this, a local military commander by the name of George Clerbert gathered together a band of countrymen and prepared to dig in to defend the capital. However, the funds got mismanaged or something, and so all they could afford was a 3 dollar fence from the Middle Ages version of Temu.

The tribe attacked the Hekpians, with their spears, and shields, bravery and anger. But turns out they lived in a pretty steamy area, so everyone was just wearing loincloths. When they came up against some semblance of armor, they began to fear, but they pressed on. The defenders were outnumbered 10 to one, and the Middle Ages Temu fence broke apart when it came in contact with sunlight. During the long and tiresome battle, Hekpian Swords began to piece through a bunch of the tribe's warriors because nudity doesn't help in a war, but despite this, the defender's weapons were breaking. But then someone had the bright idea of using the broken parts of the fence for weapons. If not for this, Hekp would have been lost, like my wallet whenever I want to buy something off of eBay.

George Clerbert became a national hero for his actions, using his prestige to become the first Emperor of Hekp. His first act as Emperor was to declare a new motto, being "Middle Ages Temu is Our Hero", until an aide rushed to his side and told him that his motto was stupid. His second act as Emperor was to get rid of that motto. The tribe that had raided Hekp was soon conquered by the new Empire. During the subjugation, a soldier asked a woman in the tribe where the gold was. She responded, "Unglocia?", which is some long and philosophical answer that contains the mysteries of life and stuff. The soldier didn't care and took the tribe's gold anyway. He related this experience with his commanding officer, and everyone thought that name was cool and congratulated him, because that's DEFINITELY how people work. This name also became what the tribe was referred to due to the whole telephone game thing.

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In 1293, a war began with the Bigtopian Kingdom and the Glorious Empire of Hekp. This began after a Bigtopian delegation, noticing the technological innovations of the Empire of Hekp, began to seek better diplomatic ties between the Bigtopian Kingdom and the Empire of Hekp. However, one of the delegations, forgetting that the Hekpian language is superior to all in the world, said something in the native Bigtopian. Since there were no translators around, they pulled up Middle Ages Google Translate, and fed it in. But then, Bordon the data tamper, whose presence is known across all dimensions, made it translate 50 times, leading to it translating as "We mill help", which is *just* two letters away from "We kill Hekp". This made the Empire of Hekp declare war.

All across the land, the trumpets of war sounded with full force, mainly because the air compressor finally worked. Many young men received knocks on their doors calling them up. The mobilization service, currently the 29th oldest branch of the government (before the Commissions of Improperly Labeled Herring in 1563 and after the Rubber Stamp Parliament in 1286), was begun during this time, and is a national source of pride for the Empire. During the war, squads of men would randomly come up to other men on the street, and ask them to join, in peaceful ways that didn't involve a knife to the face.

Hekpian forces crossed the barrier (which had become tamed a bit more) and moved into Bigtopian territory. The Bigtopians had amassed some 95,000 men to defend their homeland, compared to the Empire of Hekp's forces, numbering about 103,000 men, however, 4,000 left after they realized that Middle Ages Google Translate didn't exist, leading to there being only 99,000 troops, led by the Emperor himself, Constantine I. Commanding Bigtopian forces was King Bigston II, the last of his dynasty. Bigtopia had fortified in their capital city, aptly titled Bigtopia City, because someone couldn't come up with an interesting idea.

Hekpian forces, carrying what remained of the Middle Ages Temu Fence like the Ark of the Covenant (but with less Nazi faces being melted off), descended upon Bigtopia City, and sieged it, because no one wanted to get hurt, right? However, Bigston II, noticing the dire straits he and his army were in, decided to go on a foolhardy plan. He sent out spies out of the city to spread the rumor that Constantine I had died of something, like a heart attack (I said it was a foolhardy plan). Unfortunately, they snuck out while the Empire of Hekp was celebrating the "Dance around or someone will die" festival, and Constantine was on stage to pick the lucky soldier who would get a free cake. The spies decided instead to join the Hekpian forces, because of the dancing.

Bigston II, realizing that he was doomed, decided to come to terms with the Empire of Hekp. However, Constantine would not have any of this. Nothing but a yearly tribute would satisfy him. And so, Hekpian forces began to scale the walls. The battle raged on, each side seeming to have limitless men, as Hekp would scale the walls. The battle seemed like it would end at a stalemate when Constantine decided to break for lunch. However, then, the Middle Ages Temu fence rose from its box, and melted the faces off of the Bigtopian forces. It turns out that when you really believe in a box you carry everywhere, it does gain the power to melt Nazi's faces off... wait a minute... (moments later) Alright men! Bigtopia will be OURS!

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During the 1350's-1380's, a cultural revolution took place in Hekp, which would shape Hekpian culture for years, and still serves as the basis for many Hekpian foods. Before the 1350's, Hekp was mostly influenced by the Unglocian culture after the two populations began to mix. Hekp at the time was more feudal and primitive at the time, its food and fashion being described as "a crime against humanity". However, after a trip by the Hekpian royalty to foreign lands, the royal family began to dress different, trading in the potato sack the Queen wore for an actual dress.

Anyway, skipping some boring stuff and the conquering of the Herds, a succession crisis broke out between George III
and Regina I in 1423. George believed that he should be emperor because he could sing the lyrics to "Thy Heart Doth be Like a Heart, but with Slightly Less Clogged Arteries", a popular song at the time. Regina thought she should be emperor because she thought that song sucked, and she was right. Both sided raise up forces and fought over the throne for 16 years, until they both died in a sailing mishap (like Frozen or Tarzan, if they were more realistic). After this, the title of Emperor was chosen by a game of Rock Paper Scissors.

In 1848, a revolution happened, I guess. It's 9:38 PM and I'm already tired, so later, dorks.

Short Overview for those with low attention spans:
In 1135, a group of settlers, kicked out of their land, moved into a bountiful land. Surprised they found such a great land, they asked to each other, "Hekp?", meaning "What paradise is this?". As of such, the Empire of Hekp got its name. After time, Hekp began to expand, conquering the Unglocian tribes after Unglocia began a raid on Hekpian villages. Other tribes and nations, such as the Herds, were conquered after the king willed his land to Hekp. In 1423, a succession crisis began, fought between George the III and Regina the I. Both claimed the throne, and raised up troops to fight the other. It was a time of chaos for the Empire. After time, both died, and the relm moved to normal. In 1848, revolutions began across Hekp calling for a democracy, but they were put down. This transitioned into the modern period, where Hekp is today.