The Disputed Territories of Oldwick is a colossal, safe nation, ruled by Sir Alan Partridge of Kipling with a fair hand, and remarkable for its museums and concert halls, zero percent divorce rate, and stringent health and safety legislation. The hard-nosed, democratic, devout population of 6.831 billion Oldwickians are fiercely patriotic and enjoy great social equality; they tend to view other, more capitalist countries as somewhat immoral and corrupt.

The enormous government prioritizes Healthcare, with Administration, Education, and Welfare also on the agenda. It meets to discuss matters of state in the capital city of Norwich. The average income tax rate is 74.7%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The very strong Oldewiccan economy, worth 453 trillion candles a year, is quite specialized and led by the Book Publishing industry, with major contributions from Tourism, Cheese Exports, and Furniture Restoration. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 66,440 candles, and distributed extremely evenly, with practically no difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

Idyllic countryside scenes see border collies herding sixty-ton dinosaurs, high school boys are required to pass vigorous self-mastery and sensitivity training to graduate, the nation turns a blind eye to human rights abuses in its quest for athletic supremacy, and any girl that shows an interest in Lego is pressured to study engineering. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, thanks to a well-funded police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Oldwick's national animal is the sea dog, which frolics freely in the nation's sparkling oceans.

Oldwick is ranked 215,495^th in the world and 116^th in Lewisham Library for Most Primitive, scoring -92.78 on the Scary Big Number Scale.