The Colony of Lochan Key is a mammoth, orderly nation, remarkable for its compulsory military service, infamous sell-swords, and restrictive gun laws. The hard-working, cynical, devout population of 7.983 billion Lochan Keymen are kept under strict control by the oppressive government, which measures its success by the nation's GDP and refers to individual citizens as "human resources."

The relatively small, moralistic government prioritizes Spirituality, although Welfare, Defense, and Law & Order are also considered important. Citizens pay a flat income tax of 9.7%.

The strong Lochan Key economy, worth 534 trillion saars a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Beef-Based Agriculture industry, with major contributions from Furniture Restoration, Automobile Manufacturing, and Cheese Exports. Average income is 66,993 saars, with the richest citizens earning 5.9 times as much as the poorest.

Tourists from around the world come to visit the country's famous rainforests, looting and pillaging are now considered vital intelligence-gathering activities, Harry Potter books are banned, and citizens are enjoying a recent large cut in taxes. Crime, especially youth-related, is totally unknown, despite the fact that it is difficult to make it through a day without breaking one of the country's many laws. Lochan Key's national animal is the sea slug.

Lochan Key is ranked 79,856^th in the world and 4^th in Seaplane Base for Largest Trout Fishing Sector, scoring 3,581.58 on the Nemo Depletion Efficiency Index.