69 Minutes: Breaking News (I'm legally obligated to tell you this is a joke so the Mods don't kill me)

Tonight, on 69 Minutes, Aivintis has scored an exclusive interview with the spokesperson of our Lizard Overlords, and has secured an official statement on the Novel Coronavirus outbreak known as COVID-19.

"So Szeethlitheth."

"Yes, Aivintis?"

"What are our Lizard Overlords' official statement on COVID-19?"

"Our official stance is apologetic. In essence, we're sorry. To be perfectly honest with you, Aivintis, these past three months have just been a new type of aggressive experiment. We just wanted to see what you would do."

"So what does that mean for us moving forward?"

"Well, the Illuminati— the government of the Lizard People— have been discussing resetting the simulation to 2015, and that seems to be gaining a lot of support."

"Are there any other options?"

"Some Illuminati are discussing continuing on, but that's not going to get approved by the Executives. They just won't stand for it."

"So when do you think the simulation will be reset?"

"At the earliest? April 1st. At the latest, I would say June."

"This will be a full reset?"

"Yes. Everything that happened starting January 1st onwards will have not happened. It will be a blank slate."

"So Kobe will still be alive?"

"Yes. Kobe Bryant will still be alive. When he died, that sort of brutality didn't go over well with the more compassionate of the Lizard People. They almost shut down the experiment right then and there."

"What convinced them to keep going?"

"The scientific benefits of exploring human reaction to crisis. You humans, as a species, are remarkably resilient. No matter how many times you get kicked to the curbs, or beat up by a virus, or get faced with total nuclear annihilation—"

"Wait when did we face total nuclear annihilation?"

"That was an experiment we did back in 2016. Afterwards, we reset the simulation back to 2011."

"Oh wow."

"Yeah. But every aggressive experiment we throw at you: all forty six world wars, all one thousand six hundred and thirty three pandemics, all fourteen alien invasions; every one fails to completely wipe you out. It's impressive. Like that one animated Spider-Man movie— Oh I hope to Zzlorg that you guys make that again— no matter how many times you fall, you always get up."

"Wait so there is a change that the timeline will change? Not just the past three months?"

"Yes. Harambe was an unexpected mishap. I hope that doesn't happen again."

"Me too, Szeethlitheth. Me too."

"So, do you have any more questions?"

"None regarding COVID-19. It was good to have you on the show, Szeethlitheth. I hope to see you again."

"Good to be on it, Aivintis. Maybe I will be back."

"Now we have an exclusive video of an updated Yakko's World, adapted for Coronavirus:

https://youtu.be/eXchwxivCME