SoyuzBoard

1: Tell me about yourself. Who is going to be answering the following questions? (what “in-universe character” - could be a normal Badiouan citizen, an immigrant who just moved here or a representative of the Badiouan Government - your choice)

An aged but coy-looking, white-haired man in a blue wool sweater with a white collared-shirt sticking out underneath sits across from you in his stately armchair. He is the ‘Great Leader’ of the Commonwealth of Badiou, the Incorporated States of the Badiouan Puppet of New New Gloria, and Occupied Callimian Mullevue. He makes a loud sniffling sound and then begins to speak in English with a thick French accent:

“Hello, my name is Alain Badiou. I was born in 1937 in Rabat. I am arguably the greatest living philosopher. I am also a mathematician and dramatist. I’m actually quite good at math. Have you heard about set theory? Here let me explain some of it to you from one of my books:”

“‘Anti-symmetry. Let’s suppose that we have a < b and b < a. We need to show that a = b. But watch out! We must be on guard here against the ontological amphiboly, the double reference of…’”

While Badiou is talking a copy of Being and Event II, the book he was just quoting, flies through the air and over the head of the philosopher-king who, like a dog to a frisbee, leans over backwards, extending his neck and both arms forward to the point of the armchair’s collapsing as he bounds off in a barrel roll in pursuit of the tome. What looks to be an intern approaches you, he is holding a clipboard and sweating slightly, he also has several copies of the same book in a reusable tote bag in his off hand. He politely nods and addresses you in a very polished English that only shows a trace of an accent, albeit a highly unpredictable one, on words with the letter ‘u’:

“Good afternoon. I am honored to be in the company of a representative of the fair nation of Nitropol, our glorious neighbor. I speak for all Badiou when I say the offer extended to us by Heart to participate in this interview will be remembered indefinitely in this young nation’s history. By the way, about speaking for all Badiou, I should introduce myself. I’m one of the many caretakers of the ‘Great’,”

as he says this he makes air quotes,

“Leader. The group of us handle day-to-day governing and try our best to keep Alain entertained so that he doesn’t muck things up or imprison one of us. Really he can override anything, but mostly he doesn’t…except when he does. Anyway, I myself am native Badiouan, born 1991 in Niova Eiturna, a trout-farming village in the extreme western province of Utopia-Ersts on the border with Nitropol. I was educated abroad at Sciences Po in Paris. My partner is half Nitropolian; we have two cats and currently reside here, in the southeast corner of the country where the modern European capital, Badiou City or d’Stad Badioṳ, is located. My name is Lux X. Bettel, and I mostly perform all the chronicle-writing among the caretakers, so they asked me to do this interview. But that’s enough about me since I may very well be offed at any time.”

2: Can you summarize your country's history in a few sentences? Ants (also see Question #5)? Revolution/Civil War? The Founding of the Incorporated States of the Badiouan Puppet of New New Gloria?)

Lux offers you some tea before continuing on, you take it but are perplexed by the ants floating in it and what appears to be a human finger. Lux, noticing your confusion, advises, “You don’t eat the fingl. It’s for stirring and mushing the ants. They’re really rather sweet. Did you know in Badiou ants can vote? More on that later.”

He sips heavily from his own tea, and when he resumes speaking there are visible flecks of black ant carcass all over his teeth, tongue, and lips:

“Alain was exiled from France following first his,”

Lux coughs extremely noisily,

“antisemitic gaffe that was all over the news and then the court-mandated dissolution of his 22-year-old political party, L’Organisation Politique in 2007 which was ruled to be a danger to the state because of the autocratic stances of the group. Alain fled with hundreds of thousands of his French followers first to Luxembourg where he picked up more followers, a love for the Luxembourgish language, and more enemies in the state who again exiled him for fear of his cult of personality. When Alain arrived in Austria in 2010, he immediately ran for office of a separatist province on the border with Germa…I mean Nitropol, and won by a landslide. This was the founding of the Commonwealth of Badiou, meant to be a microstate modeled on Luxembourg, the country he fell in love with during his first exile and when his mind was still a bit fresher.”

“With Alain becoming more unhinged in his senility, his cult of personality grew rapidly as adherents began to take his wild ramblings for doctrine. He continued to be elected in other Austrian breakaway regions until the entirety of the country east of Lienz had joined the Commonwealth, now a much bigger entity than the microstate originally envisioned. Growth brought its own problems: the regions closer to Nitropol continued to resemble other modern European countries, while the further provinces (including the capital) developed a unique, Badiou-centric culture, kitted out even with its own language, Lųxemboůrgish, a strange bastardization of Luxembourgish that sometimes resembles a pidgin with Czech; most Badiouans speak both this language and English. These stark east-west cultural differences have led to conflicts of late, which were settled with the foundation of a puppet and a shift of the nation’s cultural values to a more autocratic stance as the government grapples with how to satisfy the diverse wishes of a fast-growing, culturally advanced but economically troubled populace while putting out the fires caused by the Great Leader. It should be mentioned that there is a strong belief---if not an assumption of complete reality---that Alain is immortal and will serve as Badiou’s leader for all time.”

3: Tell me about your flag(s)? (what does the design mean, is this flag permanent or is it changed frequently, etc.)

“I should really be careful what I say here about the flags since the last ones were at the center of the recent Civil War. Actually, this is a good example of the issues facing our nation. You see, Alain had changed the flag without our knowledge to an astrological symbol which led to a deluge of conspiracy theories with a rebellious cult eventually seizing power in a momentary coup in order to change the flag (this is the animated .gif flag seen on our playing card) and install an astrology-based religion across the country.”

“Anyhow, we dealt with those fools through the proper international and domestic legal processes and then shipped them all off to the puppet nation at which point the caretaker government consulted Alain about a new flag that better represented the common worker. The ant in our flag is a symbol of the strength of even the smallest among us. In a nation with very high income equality, we are all worker ants of different sizes laboring to a common goal. Our queen just so happens to be a king in this case, but promoting such gender fluidity is greatly accepted in the Commonwealth, one of the most inclusive nations. We figured pink would help convey that message and so asked our artists, some of the best in the world, to issue a tricolor which didn’t have just three boring vertical bars; we think the dimensionality of the flag highlights the progressive nature of the nation.”

“Out of a sense of matchy-mathcy we let the puppet have a similarly styled flag, though nothing about their self-rule is progressive. The Incorporated States of The Badiouan Puppet of New New Gloria is a blue-and-purple fancy tricolor featuring a portrait of Badiou as the astrological sign of the Capricorn, which the fanatics in that nation worship. The Capricorn is a horned goat, associated in tarot mumbo jumbo with the devil; certainly Alain looks quite ridiculous as Satan, however the New New Glorians see an angel. Go figure.”

4: Your country is classified as an autocratic socialist republic - in short: a dictatorship - how did that happen? (you mentioned that you transitioned into a socialist-themed region - does that have anything to do with it? what do you think about the planned economy? what about the drop in civil rights?)

“Well you see it was never supposed to have happened that…”

Before Lux can finish his statement, the Great Leader pops up behind your chair holding the copy of Being and Event II he had evidently retrieved. He pokes your forearm lightly and asks,

“What are your birth date, time, and place? I think you’re an air sign. You must know Heidi’s Being and Time, right? You see time is an astrological fact. If I could just read a quote for a moment:”

“‘Transcendental (of a world*). The concept of “transcendental” is without doubt the most important operational concept in the whole of the Greater Logic*, or theory of appearing*. It designates…’”

You watch Lux grab one of the copies of Being and Event II from the grocery bag along with what appears to be a jar of grape jelly and a plastic knife. He cracks the new book open to the middle and smears in it a bunch of the condiment and then proceeds to toss the dripping mess out of the open door to the balcony overlooking d’Stad Badioṳ. As Alain bounds and scrambles outside, Lux quickly shuts and bolts the sliding glass door and then draws a regal white curtain shut. He notices a hint of dismay on your face and looks to ease your concerns:

“No worries, he will be fine out there for a half hour; the secret service is well aware of the jelly-roll maneuver.”

“As I was saying, it was never supposed to be the case that we would become an autocratic dictatorship. Originally, we were a decentralized liberal democracy. But with almost no economy or military, there was a big push to modernize and shore up the country which of course came with a de-prioritization of social and political issues. In the midst of such change, there was also the event of the Civil War rebellion as I mentioned: that left a very lasting impact on the Badiouan psyche, and the push to stamp out all religion that followed for fear of another revolt took quite the violent turn as excuses for enacting ideological revenge adumbrated the turn to collective acceptance of authoritarian action. An outbreak of SARS COɄVID-44 is the reason why the borders are completely closed to this day. The pandemic along with the religious persecutions helped the Great Leader regain indomitable influence in society to the point that the people elected him for life, with the expectation that, since he is believed to be immortal, there would be no further elections.”

“And so Badiou ‘rules’,”

he again makes air quotes,

“now and everyone is quite fine with it. The sharp upturn in conservatism and drop in civil rights has not come with a change in the country’s niceness, compassion, or inclusivity, qualities for which Badiou leads the world. Yes, so everything is indeed normal (except for the taxes!): just don’t expect to practice any religion and there won’t be a problem, most everything else is accepted. Well, OK, to be fair that’s not true. In the interest of protecting the proletariat from corrupting practices sports, zoos, meat-eating, drinking alcohol, gambling, and non-artificial reproduction are outlawed. This is because the Great Leader is guiding the Commonwealth in a more socialist direction as he continues to improve the economy via the improvement of the quality of life of the average worker. If you’re interested, after this interview I can get him to sign a copy of his 2009 The Communist Hypothesis for you.”

5: Your national animal is the Ant – it’s even featured on your flag. What's up with that? (2.3% of people die of ant attacks ????)

“Quite so. As I touched on during the flag spiel, the ant has always stood as a symbol in Badiou of the worker. When the French and Luxembourgish followers of Badiou first immigrated here they marveled at how the lush mountain forests teemed with insects, most beloved among which was the Alpine silky ant, formica fusca alpicola, the only ant species endemic to Austrian terrain. So much was the love of nature during the fledgling, liberal microstate period of Badiou that it was decided that animals should be treated as citizens and given the right to vote---this was also seen as a smart way to increase population statistics. After starting with the lowliest animal of all, the native ant, further attempts to post-humanize the vote for other species were thwarted by the formidable Formic Party founded by the CEO of a government-contracted pest extermination company-turned-vote-farming-racket. Eventually everyone in Badiou was raising alp ants at home to increase their votes, only for it all to end up pointless when we voted to overturn democracy. So now we have a huge infestation problem, as well as an issue with the fact that the vote farming led to the introduction of many non-native species into the country, many of which turned out to be highly poisonous: hence the ca. sixty-three thousand people that will die this year from ant bites; we’re working on it, and I note that that 72% of all other deaths are completely natural by old age. In order to solve the ant problem we’ve taken to eating them and such, and a provision is made in our state-mandated vegan-vegetarian laws to allow for ant consumption---as well for continued trout farming since it still makes up such a large part of the economy.”

6: Let's say I want to go on vacation in Badiou - what customs should I be aware of?

“Oh, gosh, I have really gone on for a while here. I don’t want to take up all your time. I think I’ve covered some of these things in my long-winded answers already. You know, we are really like other modern, liberal European countries in the western half of the country and the capital. The east is more narrowly Badiouan in their cultural practices, as is the puppet nation. The occupied Mullevue security buffer zone is quite a splendid source of musical and academic influences emerging from the university there and its well-established Musicological Department. One thing that sort of explains all the ant stuff in part is the fact there are huge forests throughout all the inhabited areas of Badiou. The population lives in high-density, high-rise apartments surrounded by green zones with very few to no roads or cars for environmental reasons. Daily commutes through the forest are part of life, however there are no trails or other signs that may disturb the natural order of things, so very often people get lost, in many cases permanently. It’s a lovely landscape really, if you can find your way around by the stars and the positions of moss, and if you have good hiking shoes.”

7: Badiou’s 3rd largest government expenditure is Defense and you claim the legal right of WMD-usage. What's your stance on war?

“Vrooom, vrroooom, vroooom! Weeee! Pew pew, pow pow!”

It would appear that Badiou had somehow returned to the Presidential Office, perhaps by shimmying down onto a lower balcony before sneaking back inside. He was holding the jelly-filled book as what seemed to be an imaginary fighter jet that he was using to drip sticky ordinances on Lux’s head who is momentarily unable to answer your question as he searches his pockets for a handkerchief. Badiou takes the opportunity to address the query:

“I do love playing computer games! My favorite is EU4 by Paradox. I like to conquer with a big army. I even made it to Normal mode from Easy mode because I’m such a great general. Don’t you just adore tactics and strategy too? Lux doesn’t let me play for long enough, and also sometimes he tells me that I haven’t been playing Europa at all but have been controlling the Nation’s Issues while the jellygivers are asleep. I wish he’d just let me play with my army toys! If he keeps this up, I might have him strapped to a nuke to teach him a lesson!”

8: In your own words: How do you want Badiou to be seen on a regional or global scale? Should we seek cover from Badiouan warheads or can I book my next summer vacation in Badiou City?

You notice the bead of sweat falling from Lux’s forehead after the last comment from the Great Leader. His expression suggests he wants to adopt a conciliatory tone toward his boss. This time he does not use a trick to shoo Badiou away, but in fact addresses his answer to your question to the Great Leader, clearly in an effort to seek approval from him:

“If I may reply for you, Great Leader and Founder-Philosopher, I think you would agree that the people of Badiou want to be known for their kindness and culture. We are in the top 5% for employment, the top 10% for welfare, inclusiveness, compassion, foreign aid, environmental beauty, public transport, niceness, weather, and artwork, and soon to cross that threshold will be safety, tourism, scientific advancement, food quality, lifespan, eco-friendliness, health, income equality, public education, and culture. Wouldn’t you agree your Beingness?”

Badiou snortles deeply and makes a throat sound that evinces he has just swallowed a hefty booger.

“Bah, blow them all up I say! Why have ‘Being and Event’,”

Badiou makes air quotes,

“when you can Be the Event? The issue with global society today is a lack of proper understanding of set theory which can be easily resolved if categorical epistemology is translated into a family of political, ideological, and, INDEED, military agendae! The Marxist-Maoist goal lacks the proper foundation which, to repeat myself, is the mathematical enlightenment. Badiou---both I and it, our amphibolous being-and-appearing-as-multiple---exists to realize this philosophical education unto the world!”

9: What about the People of Badiou? What does the average Badiouan family look like, if there even is such a thing?

Lux is now visibly in distress: he is sheet-white, dripping like a snow cone in a fire ant nest, and shaking slightly. He motions for the bag of books but abruptly stops, apparently thinking over another option---and fast, as Badiou is looking ready to spout a gaffe-filled, stream-of-consciousness tirade, his white hair and the white collar of his shirt both standing up on end and slightly purple with jelly. Suddenly, Lux tears off his suit coat and throws it over Badiou’s head, yelling:

“Allie, little Allie, where’d you go? Oh no, Allie pooh, the Big Dark came and it told me you have to go nighty now or the Boogeyman will come!”

The display is shocking and pathetic, and surprising in that Alain plays along so well as to drop down immediately on the floor and enter into a protracted fake snoring that he continues for the rest of the interview for no one else’s amusement but his own. Lux for his part looks very relieved: in fact, with his jacket off and a little flush of blood from the quick disrobing after his momentary panic, he was surprisingly handsome. The blazer must have hidden his arm and chest muscles, certainly it hid his tattoos, all of which were lions or having to do with the astrological sign of Leo. In his new-found state of relief, Lux took no mind of your momentary consideration of his appearance. Actually, he looked excited to answer this particular question.

“I’d say that I myself am halfway to the average Badiouan family. What with the liberal mindset and the fact that all newborns are artificially produced in vats, the population has an exceedingly high percentage of same-sex-attracted individuals. Additionally, polygamous households are incredibly common. The average family is a same-sex throuple with three children and three pets; although mixed-gender, ‘two-to-one style’ throuples are also common. Next after that is the quadruple, and then the quintuple. Less common is a couple, whether of same-sex or opposite gender. My own husband and I are hoping to meet our throulmate soon, we think he’ll be a Leo as well---not that astrology is real, or a religion, or anything, just ignore that, er, I had these tats before the laws went in place so it’s grandfathered. Anyway, it would be nice to meet a Russian-speaking guy since now that the nation has joined the glorious region of Soyuz there’s been a push to learn the language of our Soviet brethren.”

10: Although you’re no longer residing in Heart I have to ask: What’s a positive thing about Heart, or the Union of Force? What could we do better?

Upon hearing this question, Lux lets out a great, big smile :D

“When all those regions were approaching us with initial telegrams to join with them, we decided that the one to choose would have to be the prettiest: the most well-formatted, readable, inviting, and editorial of the dispatches. Heart stood out so readily among the pack when these criteria were applied. We joined immediately without checking or reading anything: luckily we found a place that was suited to the name ‘Heart’ as our intuition had told us. The parts of Badiou that are full of,”

at this moment Badiou faux-snores much louder than during the previous nasal orchestration,

“heart, those qualities of kindness and culture that I am personally quite proud of,”

he sticks out his tongue at the ‘sleeping’ leader,

“those come from and belong to Heart. My only ‘do better’ is to keep doing that :,)”

Lux helps up his country’s head of state gently by the hand and guides him back in the armchair where he began the interview, patting him off and straightening out his collar. Alain smiles at Lux who puts back on his own jacket (yes, it has jelly on it) while giving you a nod that seems to signify the end of the interview,

“It remains to be seen if such qualities will continue in Badiou going forward.”

The Great Leader observes that Lux has finished speaking. He looks at you and raises his right index finger to signal an additional thought,

“Set theory…,”

then he stops and begins to look nostalgic. The one finger now turns into a four-fingered air grope that conveys a farewell:

“Bye, baiiiiii, Baidou,”

he says.