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Alright well I'm just gonna pour my heart out here for just a minute...
I know that all of you are well aware that I have been suffering from some really really bad depression since like my senior year of High School. I know its come up here often and I vent to yall about it a lot. Well anyways I met this gal a couple days after having a really bad breakdown and we hit off like immediately and the sudden affection was so fvcking nice that I fell in love really fast. Well this was like early june when we met and just last night she broke everything off with me very suddenly. She said that she had met other people and simply wasnt interested in me anymore. Now I feel like all the affection and love that I got was just fake and taking pity on me and I'm having a lot of fvcking self doubts again and I can just feel myself slipping back into a pit. I havent eaten or drank today... I havent really left my bed. I cant find the will power. I dont want to go to work tomorrow. I feel like I got taken advantage of and turned into some weird side show. I have never had affection like I got from her in like my entire life and it just hurts really bad to think it meant nothing.
I'm not doing well guys, I never really have done well... I'm getting so fvcking tired of this empty feeling in my stomach. My little sister attempted suicide last year and I feel myself going down that same road again really fvcking quick. It just hurts, everything hurts.
Let me put it this way, I dont think I will ever bring myself to harm myself like that... so please dont worry about me saying that, cause I wont do it. I'm just at that point where it would be nice to close my eyes and not wake up. I cant stop thinking about everything... the time I was abused as a kid by my cousin, the bullying from high school, the intense burnout from trying to work a retail job and go to uni, the general loneliness that I always fvcking feel, and the general feeling that I'm not good enough for anything. I'm in a cycle that I cant escape... meds arent helping, therapy doesnt help me...
I genuinally feel broken at this point
It feels bad that my only emotional outlet right now is a bunch of randos on the internet. I'm scared to death of being open with my parents. My little sister is vindictive against me and my older sister doesnt want to hear it. Everyone else that would listen doesnt deserve to listen to me wallow... they dont deserve to have to deal with what I feel. I'm falling apart...
I'm literally fvcking balling my eyes out cause it hurts so bad
I just want to be held... that's all I want... I just want to be told that I'm worth it by someone who doesnt feel obligated to do it out of pity... I just want want to be genuinally cared for... I feel like I have no one.... I feel so fvcking god damn alone
Man, I don't really know what to say to you. That's really rough, and there's little that can be done about it in the short term. All I can say is that I hope that things will start to turn up for you soon, and that until then I'm here for you bro. Even as much as you can really piss me off sometimes, I still care about you even if nobody else does. Might not be as active around here as we all used to be, but we're still here, and we at least will look out for you.
I dont mean to piss anyone off, I just cant control myself
There's not much in the way of comfort I can give you, and I can't imagine how bad your situation must feel. I can only try and offer a little bit of advice, but I don't know how much it'll help.
If nobody is there in your life to help you, and no one is there to comfort you, there's not much you can do about it, not much until someone walks into your life to lend you a hand. But that's unpredictable, and you never know when it'll happen. So the only thing I can really offer is that you should try and take pride in yourself.
I've never been in such a dark place like you are now, but I think to myself every day how I can improve every day to get closer to my ideal self. I try to set small goals for myself on how I can work to become more diligent and more honest, how I can make myself think more critically, and how I can just overall sharpen my mind and become a better man. I don't try to do anything too big at once, just set little goals, and I've noticed that over the course of the last year or so it's made me feel like I'm making progress and I feel like I'm doing pretty good on that front.
So what I would suggest is try to do little things like that. Try to just do what you can to make yourself the best you can be. It's not easy, and I suspect in your situation it'd be a pretty tall order, but if you set small goals for yourself, it can really give you some sense of accomplishment and at least do a little to improve your mental health. I don't know how much that helps, but it's worth a try.
As far as those people who have used you go, screw' em. I have a really good friend who was absolutely just madly in love with this girl, and she just twisted him up and broke his heart. He's doing a lot better now, but it really messed him up. All I can say is like with him, people who will do that to you don't deserve your company. But I swear to you, there are people out there who do care about you, and there will be people in the future you'll meet, sooner or later, who will give you what you need.
I don't really know if any of this was even vaguely helpful, but I hope it will bring you some comfort.
The bio-regional cooperative of states and Acerbez
Naw it's alright, dude. I don't get mad at people if I don't care about them, and it's not the end of the world. You can get on my nerves sometimes but it's only 'cause I think well of you and respect you.
The bio-regional cooperative of states and Acerbez
Thanks, volk... I'm just really hurt
Crying was good, it felt good
The bio-regional cooperative of states and Acerbez
All I can really say is that time will heal all wounds. In the future, when you've found happiness, this will just be an unpleasant memory. Do what you need to power through it for now and get the negativity out of your system, however long that takes, and then you'll slowly start to recover. Letting everything out at once can feel pretty bad at the time but it helps in the long run, for me at least.
I have been trying to practice meditation as of late which has been helpful, I have managed to achieve what I can only describe as a still and silent mind multiple times now and it feels so good. All negative thoughts literally disappear and get replaced by simple and peaceful thoughts. I think that's always been my problem, I have never been able to still myself and calm myself but I'm learning how now
Dunno if it'd do anything for you, but if you haven't, you should read Marcus Aurelius's "Meditations". It's basically just full of advice
While I can't say I know exactly how you feel, I've been in similar place relating to depression and it really kicks your ass sometimes. What matters is that you let yourself feel first, then begin to recover. For example, if all the effort you can muster in the day is simply getting up to make food or something, then that's all you need to do, so you can feel better. But don't fall into a trap, you'll begin to bounce back eventually, how fast is up to you and how much effort is put in to fix yourself. Like Volk said, make small goals, they'll add up eventually and you'll dig yourself out soon enough.
Also, things like a good hobby to loose yourself in and exercise really do help. For example, I've started a routine and I've had more energy to get things done and I've been out of the usual pits I find myself in. And when I eventually do fall into the hole of depression, drawing something or playing a few songs on guitar normally makes me feel better. Oh, you can also try daily journaling, it's good to get goals written down as well as start the day by saying something your grateful for, it helps kick things off in a more organized, positive manner.
I hope that helps at least a little, also hope you start feeling better soon. I know it's not easy when you feel like you have nobody, but at the same time, that could be the best thing for you. If nobody cares, then you can pursue what you want without criticism, right?
C’est le vie, you’ve been hurt and there’s nothing to do but take in the hurt, but don’t use it as fire or to grow colder.
Love hurts cause of the affection you want and want to give, and not just that but the feelings of just having that. That’s beautiful but it’s not something that goes one way.
It sucks now but there is a chance to use this not just as an experience later on but something to build from. It hurts getting your heart broken, even more from someone you care for.
But you’re here, I won’t say don’t dwell on it but maybe look at it if even possible from different. She did you bad but from that you can what you look for when you venture out again and also what to look for in someone you’re bringing into your own life.
Not just someone to give those feelings but to return them and in that it can be a slower process but a lot of worthwhile things are.
Thanks guys, really... I will get a hold of myself one of these days. I'm trying really hard. It's nice to hear encouragement from yall cause I mean I genuinally think you guys are the only ones that have had a real open to seat to how much I hurt on the daily.
I want and crave affection and I was jaded and rushed into something that was not good for me in the end and it just really hurt me. I feel like I'm over her and that I have rationalized it as not being worth it but what hurts is just the fact that my depression used it as fuel and twisted it into self hatred again. It brought up so many bad memories of being hurt that It genuinally was way too much to bare.
I tried out meditation again which really calmed me and I got myself somewhat to a place of being able to think again. I want to do it again when I get off work tonight. It felt good to be at peace for a moment.
I feel alone
Use this time to go for what you want to do and your interests, you don't have to do it immediately of course, spend some time to recover, but I've found that doing what you like eventually nets you some good people in your life.
Part of me wants to just take the year.... I have a lot of big things happening cause I'm going to be graduating in December. I need to find a good job and I really want to buy a small house for myself.
Other part of me is so alone that I already want to try again but I dont want to risk getting hurt again... I just want something real
Post self-deleted by Badassistanian.
I just wish I could get over the self doubt... that I will never find anyone and that I will always be casted aside for someone that I cant compete with on any scale. I genuinally feel like I dont deserve anything rn, I dont deserve to feel loved.
I feel ugly fat and pathetic, which is what I have been told my whole life anyways
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