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All About The One True Church of the Exalted Holiness
The One True Church of the Exalted Holiness was founded by our first Exalted Holiness in Anno Exalted Holiness 20 after heavy drinking humble communion with the One God. He'd been on a three-day bender fast that lasted seven days and nights, in which period he drank nought but water, and ate not.Finally, golden light exploded in Amos Amadeus O'Brien's room, and he kowtowed before the Angel who appeared in white robes and a glorious halo (as is traditionally the style for Angels).
"Hail Amos Amadeus O'Brien, Exalted Holiness most glorious." said the Angel. "For ye art so intelligent, so wondrous, and have such a sexy tush."
The Angel explained that the Exalted Holiness was sent to Earth to pass the Truth to the Free Joyers, and to ensure that all Free Joyers would one day reside in Paradise.
"If all thy supplicants shall follow the one-thousand-and-five simple commandments," said the Angel, as he hovered on eye-level with the Exalted Holiness. "They are guaranteed to dwell in Paradise."
The Tenets
There are the fifteen large rules that must be lived every day:
There's only one faith that's truly true.
2. The One God sent Exalted Holiness, his son.
We must obey him, everyone.
3. The Exalted Holiness can never die
His soul is reborn into the next guy
4. The Exalted Holiness is one sexy man
Whenever we look, we think "Phwoar", or hang
5. We must believe Exalted Holiness words
Have no guile, judge not what we've heard
6. If Maxtopians we not enslave
There is no chance of us being saved
7. Women are but worthless chattel.
They breed and work, just like cattle.
8. Woman must be covered from neck to toes
Else she will lead man by the nose.
9. To eat shellfish is abomination, unclean.
Unless it is Wednesday, and in a hat we are seen.
10. To cut a woman's hair is sinful and heinous
Also, for a man to be bearded, and to shave a cat's anus
11. Shorts and sandals must never be seen
We shall be stoned on the village green.
12. 'Tis sin to wear the red of Exalted Holiness' robe
The Kons Consitution Constitution says we shall be stoned
13. Marry soon and marry many. Marry Mary, Jill and Kim.
But our neck we'll surely lose if we try to marry Tim.
14. We don't need no edukashun learning
Exalted Holiness tells us enough for earning
15. If one of these rules we shall bend or break
We will be hung, quartered and burned for our soul's sake.
What is Paradise?
Paradise is the most perfect place in the universe. There are three levels of Paradise:
- -> Exalted Paradise
-> Mount Pleasance
-> Mount Satisfactory
If people pay frequent obeisance to the Exalted Holiness and say the right thing every day and do the right thing every day, and never make a single mistake, they may hope to someday achieve Exalted Paradise. Only Free Joyers can hope to some day achieve Exalted Paradise. In Exalted Paradise, everyone is happy and equal, and everyone lives in a mansion made of gold. Although, of course, the previous Exalted Holiness' will reside in the largest mansions.
Horses pull silver carriages on rainbow roads and bears perform merry jigs on every street corner. Everyone had food to eat, and there are fountains of champagne in the middle of every district. Violin music drifts through the air and everyone is happy, all the time.
But, only absolutely perfect people (like the Exalted Holiness) will ever see Exalted Paradise.
Mount Pleasance accepts Free Joyers who have made one or two mistakes in their lives: people who may have forgotten to bow to Exalted Holiness' glorious visage on the day they were dying, or who on day doubted the deliciousness of the Exalted Bread.
In Mount Pleasance, everyone is still happy. They live in normal houses, but have plenty of food, and all the animals get along.
In Mount Satisfactory, some absolutely perfect Marche Noirians and Brancalandians mix with rather shabby Free Joyers. Mount Satisfactory is the highest level of Paradise that non Free Joyers can ever reach. Everyone lives in apartments with eight to ten people, and eats one meal a day. It's rather like the Free Joy State.
And that can't be bad, can it?
We Call These Faiths Self Evident
We hold these faiths to be self evident.
- ->That there was an Angel.
-> That the Angel led the Exalted Holiness to the platinum plates, which gave the tenets of our faith, and provided the clear instructions by which he runs this country.
-> The Angel forbad the Exalted Holiness to ever show them to anyone
-> Asking for evidence shows lack of faith
-> Lack of faith is a contradiction of Tenet 5
-> Violating Tenet 5 will lead to the enacting of Tenet 15
-> Do you want that? Well, do ya?
We Welcome Other Faiths...
At our weekly public executions. It is absolutely positively forbidden to disseminate, practise, think about, or believe in any religion but the One True Church of the Exalted Holiness.
