An Open Letter to Pizzte Kilgot

To the detestable Cannoli Danger-Jones,

Our nation has always considered yours a friend. We made the offer to defend you from the influence of the Marxist-Lavaists, we made some of our earliest diplomatic agreements with you, we educated our people on your culture and language; at every point Ruvensburg has expressed admiration for your people. But your reign has betrayed our friendship at every turn. You have made no consideration at any point for our long history of diplomacy, and you are responsible for a level of radicalism that killed our late, beloved Archduke Karl Heinz Seigemund Emil. My father. No matter how hard we try, we cannot see you as anything other than the greatest threat to our nation's prosperity in all of history. None of the conflicts and wars we have had with the New Yogurtopians can compare to the devastation we believe you'd bring on our nation if you had your way. We admire your people, but you, you are the lowest of all the individuals that occupy our region.

Despite this, we are willing to offer you the most merciful terms we can for someone such as yourself. You have one last opportunity to hand over Gemelli Fusilli. Regardless of his status as one of your citizens, his crime was committed on our land, thus he must be tried in our courts, and the matter of his punishment must be ours to decide. Even for a man such as him, your methods are cruel. We offer a swift death, we offer last words, we offer a last meal. You offer suffering and humiliation. You offer a punishment so barbaric it is more comparable to the ancient nations than those that that exists today. There is no consideration for civil rights or the sanctity of human life and dignity in your punishment, yet you call us primitive; we despise your methods.

Your refusal to give up Gemelli, your words, and your barbarism also compel us to demand that you willing give yourself up to a jury composed of the nations of the region to decide your own guilt and the justness of your regime. Ruvensburg will, of course, resign any right to have any representative on this council, due to our obvious biases.

Once again, these terms are for more merciful than you likely deserve, but we still offer them as a show of good faith. Should you refuse, we will have no other option than to consider less desirable methods for enforcing international law. For now our nation shall mourn, but we give you, at most, till the end of the week to respond. If you refuse we assure you that our coronation will signal the end of your rule.

With loathing unrivaled,
Seigemund II Heinz Karl Emil