by Max Barry

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by The Shipping Docks of Grand Toastlandia. . 57 reads.


(in all seriousness, if you don’t want to see this exist, then let me know. THIS IS A JOKE.)
‘Twas was a fine day in the Capitalistic Realm of the Third Interplanetary Order. The winds blew across the plains, the planes flew across the wind gusts, and other stuff I dunno.
Now there were two people, Solis and Embauba. They hated each other, and wanted to get away from each other. I have no idea why they would be in the Third Interplanetary Order. Maybe they were visiting someone. But whatever. They hated each other.
“Screw you!” said Solis. “I hope you trip and break your nose,“ said Embauba in response. They had some kind of vacation plan or whatever, this is all a joke anyways. I’m just bored.


The vast Capitalistic Realm of the Third Interplanetary Order contained many nations. One of those was English Muffinland. Do not mistake this for my nation, as English muffins should be vaporized in nuclear hellfire. Anyways, English Muffinland was known for its love of fanfictions and simps. They were a primitive nation, in fact one of the most primitive. And they were about to do something drastic. In the mountains near the capital city of English Muffinland, a traveler traveled. He was the one that had colonized the technobarbaric Martian nation of Middle Vers. This was Montanity, and he loved shipping and fanfictions as well. The city was not quiet at all. It was hot, and the air stunk of industrial pollutants. Children chanted whilst playing with AK-47s. What a truly lawless nation, Montanity said to himself. However they were the only ones that could do anything about this.
Montanity was received well. As the ragged king of English Muffinland walked out of his room, his guards chanted and fired their rifles, blowing holes on the roof. “What brings you to my humble kingdom?” Montanity tried not to puke, looking at these technobarbarians. “You guys like fanfics, shipping, that kind of stuff right?” asked Montanity. The guards chanted in a manner that struck as a yes. “If that is so, I need you to bring two people together.” Montanity didn’t have many reasons. However he did have money. He had decided to not consume all his economy chips, and had made quite a lot of money. He threw multiple bags of money at the king. Of course, they were all greedy capitalists, so they chanted.

Now back to those two people. They had just arrived at the airport of the First Federated States of Russia. Skyscrapers towered up of that great city. The free market had brought these things to the FFSR. Once again, I dunno why they are in the TIO. I just need it for plot convenience. “I still hate you,” they both said. Then all of a sudden, they were on the outskirts of the city in a taxi. I dunno where they would be going. And don’t ask who the taxi driver is either.
And then the hood of the car was filled with holes. A primitive plane flew above. Muffins fell from the sky. Solis and Embauba didn’t know what to do, as this is not something that happens every day. So they said one last time in case they die, “I hate you,” and punched each other in the nose. As the plane steered around and around, with the two wondering why Russian AA batteries haven’t fired yet, tribesmen with pistols came out of the bushes. They broke the windows open, and opened the doors. They turned Solis and Embauba as to face each other. And then they started chanting, with these barbarians firing their weapons in the air and praying to gods of money and English muffins. Solis and Embauba still didn’t know what to do. This had never happened to them before. Or has it? And then appeared Montanity.

(Insert that one DUNDUNDUN sound here)

Solis and Embauba both let out a collective groan. This wasn’t the first time this had happened. Montanity, the master of simps and ships, fanfics and I dunno, colonizing people? This person had tried to bring them together over and over, failing over and over. Montanity looked at them both, but then a voice from the sky said:

“You know what? This is getting way too long, and I’m tired. Perhaps I should have included more dialogue. And besides, how annoying would it be to leave you on a cliffhanger? I’m not gonna do that today. Let’s just say that Russian soldiers came and killed all of them. Goodbyeeeeee!”

Or is it? (vsauce music)