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Donald Rumsfeld: The Minister of Defence
Donald Rumsfeld
From the private memoirs of our Prime Minister
Donald Rumsfeld
Deputy | Wolfowitz, maybe? |
Preceded | (Office created) |
Deputy | Dick Cheney |
Preceded | Bill English |
Deputy | Nick Smith |
Preceded | Bill English |
Succeeded | John Key |
Preceded | Rodney Hide |
Succeeded | John Banks |
Succeeded | Alan Bollard |
Born | 24 September |
Gender | Male |
Political Party | National |
Height | Taller than Kokichi Oma |
Favourite Food | HAM!!! |
Education | Australian National |
Nationality | Bourgeoise |
Children | 3 |
Likes | Orewa |
Dislikes | Iwi Beaches |
"there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns—the ones we don't know we don't know. So in a nutshell: I don't know why I'm here."
- Minister of Defence: Donald Rumsfeld
Donald Henry Rumsfeld (born 9 July) is the current Minister of Defence of Capitalist Bourgeois States.
The Floating Exchange Rate
Humble Birth
According to the holy book of the National Party (officially the Holyoake book), Don of Nazareth Wanganui (or Whanganui) was born by Joseph and Mary Brash in a humble manger, since they found it more cost-effective than the inn. Soon, according to Mary, a bright halo appeared over baby Don's head. However, Joseph corrected that it was actually "a zero, which the inflation rate will be when he becomes Prime Minister and leads National to the promise land."
According to the Holyoake book, three wise economists, who were following the floating exchange rate in the night sky, arrived at the humble manger. The three wise economists were Milton Hayek, Fredrick Friedman, and Sidney holland, These men brought gifts: gold, a scientific calculator, and the old testament: Adam Smith's 'The Wealth of Nation.' One of the three wise economists was reported to ask "will he become a humble carpenter, like his father," to which Joseph replied "no, he will become a humble Governor of the Reserve bank, where he will perform economic miracles such as keeping the inflation rate between 3 and 0 percent."
While all this was happening, the selfish Prime Minister king of New Zealand, Peter Fraser, who had heard about this child, was stricken with shock. He knew what this child could claim his throne if he were to grow up, because the markets would deem the child more favourable than himself. Fraser would do something that has been condemned by all National Party literature: raise taxes!
Massacre of the Income
The selfish Prime Minister king of New Zealand, Peter Fraser, gathered a whole bunch of his men (8 in total) and marched towards Wanganui (or Whanganui). Fraser and his men went all over the village collecting taxes from the locals. They took thousands of dollars worth of taxpayers money, which caused many peoples' income to drop dramatically. This would be recorded by a local man, Matthew, as 'The Massacre of the Income.'
Soon after ransacking the village of their tax money, King Fraser and his men charged up to the manger, preparing to do the same thing they did to the people of Whanganui. However, the wise men knew that such attack was going to happen that night, so they escorted Joseph, Mary, and baby Don away from the manger. They managed to evade being a victim of Fraser's tax collection, but they knew he would easily find them. The glowing zero on top of baby Don was a dead give away to their location, as it lit up any dark area and kept prices down. To solve this problem, Milton Hayek proposed putting that zero on a goose. Maybe then, Fraser and his men would follow the goose instead (and also keep the price of geese at a low price). To their surprise it worked, as Fraser and his tax collectors went the opposite direction. It was a miracle! However, they knew that Fraser would discover them eventually, so they devised a very cunning plan to stop him.
When Fraser and his men discovered that it was a goose they were chasing, they were quite shocked. Some stood in confusion; others repeatedly bowed to it, for some reason. Then, all of a sudden, a loud noise was heard. King Fraser turned around and noticed something horrible: a tree rolling down a nearby hill a landslide! The tree landslide came crashing in at an alarming speed and crushed Fraser and his 8 tax collectors. All of whom got stuck on the tree landslide. The cause of this landslide was from one of the wise men, Sidney Holland. Holland had so cleverly, when Fraser and his men weren't looking, cut down a tree, which caused the landslide. Mary, Joseph, baby Don, and the 3 wise men walked down the hill to discover something, not horrible, but wonderful. The landslide that had crushed Fraser and his men produced a spectacular sight. A tree, with many of them scattered across it. On top of the tree was the goose, with his shining zero. Mary would call this invention, a Christmas tree "Holland landslide." Thus, beginning the first National government, and the life of their lord and saviour, Don Brash.
The Pilgrimage at Orewa
Pilgrimage to Orewa
Before talking about a grown up Don, there was the National Flock. In it's beginning was Sir Keith Holyoake, who begat* Jack Marshall, who begat Rob Muldoon, who begat Jim Mclay, who begat Jim Bolger, who begat Jenny Shipley, who begat Bill English, who begat Don of Nazareth Wanganui (or Whanganui).
*Begat: to be stabbed in the back by your deputy leader
After a happy childhood, Don of Nazareth Wanganui (or Whanganui) joined the National Flock, who had been victims of a terrible landslide in 2002. He had humbly overthrown Bill of Southland and took over as leader. Don only had a few disciple: his caucus. One of his most loyal disciples, who would never, ever, betray him, and was far too loyal to ever do so was
John Iscariot Key.
Don and his few disciples took a pilgrimage to a tiny market place, which would one day become the holy land for National, Orewa. Here, Don would ensure that no one there went hungry. He even made a famous speech about it:
"Under me, no one will go hungry. Anyone with a job will have to pay for their food, while anyone in the benefit will have a cut, and will be forced to grow their own Vegetables. Anyone who breaks a law will be sent to prison, and will receive at least one bowl of gruel a day. One law for all!"
- Don Brash
It was definitely a miracle. So much so, Don celebrated it with a tax cut. However, this wasn't the only miracle Don would perform (no, he didn't walk on water or turn wine into water), he raised National's popularity poll by 17%. Such miracle made him more popular than the evil Roman Emperor Prime Minister and Minister of Arts, Helenus Clarkus. Something she wouldn't take lightly.
Thumbs down for Don
Due to Don of Nazareth Wanganui (or Whanganui) being increasingly popular across the nation, he was summoned by the evil Prime Minister Roman Emperor and Minister of Arts, Helenus Clarkus, in the famous 'Westpac Colosseum.' Don was dragged into the Emperor's box, where the Emperor, in full military attire for that night's 'wearable arts festival, was enjoying the rugby match gladiatorial battle occurring not to far below. The Emperor looked down towards Don, with a mild face of disgust, and said, "So, you are this Don they call king." (Not to be confused with boxing promoter Don King). Don only humbly said that he was "a humble banker. Nothing more. Although, I am more popular than you in the polls." The evil Helenus Clarkus retorted, "who do you think you are? Jesus Christ! Plus, I guess you haven't seen this weeks political polls." The Emperor, getting quite irked walked up to the podium of her box and gave a short speech about Don in front of the thousands of crowds:
"Don of Nazareth Wanganui (or Whanganui), you have incited rights! You're a hater and a wrecker, and worst of all you've dented my lead in the polls. I am giving you the harshest possible punishment for treason under a Labour government: 2 weeks home detention, with 2 chances of parole."
- Helenus Clarkus
This type of sentencing shocked not only Don, but the crowds in the colosseum as well. Don immediately got up from his spot and went up to the Emperor to tell them:
"Now that's not what I would call sensible sentencing. If I was in charge, I'd lock me up and throw away the key, and execute me on a cross, with no parole. All before lunchtime. It's all in the National party: Law & Order policy. Also known as the old testament."
- Don Brash
The Emperor, glad he wasn't in charge, ordered the guards to take him away. However, not before doing one more horrible thing to Don: releasing him on bail. It was definitely one of the most horrid thing that the evil Roman Emperor had done to him. Something that Don and the National Flock would remember for the rest of their life.
Pro: Fiscal and Social Conservatism, Privatisation, One-law for all, Laizze-Faire Capitalism, Free markets, Memes, Tax-Cuts for those earning $1,000 a day
Against: Nationalisation, not being the Leader of New Zealand, Socialism, Communism, Socialism-Communism, Kokichi Oma