The Democratic Republic of Hazelme is a colossal, safe nation, notable for its smutty television, devotion to social welfare, and stringent health and safety legislation. The compassionate, democratic, cheerful population of 6.153 billion Hazelmites are free to do what they want with their own bodies, and vote for whomever they like in elections; if they go into business, however, they are regulated to within an inch of their lives.

The enormous, liberal government prioritizes Education, with Healthcare, Environment, and Welfare also on the agenda. The average income tax rate is 81.5%, and even higher for the wealthy.

The all-consuming Hazelmean economy, worth 604 trillion deans a year, is quite specialized and led by the Tourism industry, with significant contributions from Information Technology, Book Publishing, and Furniture Restoration. State-owned companies are common. Average income is 98,258 deans, and distributed extremely evenly, with little difference between the richest and poorest citizens.

The regional delicacy of chocolate bombes is deadlier than an unexploded bomb, social networking sites have discussion groups devoted to planning terrorist attacks, pretending to be prejudiced is a good way to get out of jury duty, and citizens are required to report any and all incidents of prayer to their local Religious Affairs Officer. Crime is totally unknown, thanks to a capable police force and progressive social policies in education and welfare. Hazelme's national animal is the giraffe, which frolics freely in the nation's many lush forests.

Hazelme is ranked 14,039^th in the world and 790^th in Lazarus for Most Cultured, scoring 104 on the Snufflebottom-Wiggendum Pentatonic Scale.