The Holy Empire of Coltonia is a huge, cultured nation, remarkable for its barren, inhospitable landscape, triple-decker prams, and frequent executions. The hard-nosed, hard-working, democratic, devout population of 412 million Coltonians are effectively ruled by a group of massive corporations, who run for political office and provide their well-off citizens with world-class goods and services. Their poorer citizens, however, are mostly starving to death while being urged to go out and get real jobs. The populace has reasonably extensive civil rights, although these are mostly aimed at allowing them to buy whatever they like.

The tiny, outspoken government is primarily concerned with Spirituality, with Industry, Healthcare, and Administration also on the agenda, while Social Policy and Law & Order aren't funded at all. The average income tax rate is 7.3%.

The powerhouse Coltonian economy, worth 31.7 trillion Colts a year, is broadly diversified and led by the Pizza Delivery industry, with significant contributions from Retail, Uranium Mining, and Automobile Manufacturing. Average income is 76,872 Colts, and evenly distributed, with the richest citizens earning only 4.0 times as much as the poorest.

Decongestants have replaced Colts in street transactions, bread-gangs raid restaurant waste bins to stockpile uneaten rolls, people regularly disappear off the streets and all evidence of them is destroyed, and wait staff claim to like it when odorous customers flirt with them. Crime, especially youth-related, is a serious problem, probably because of the absence of a police force. Coltonia's national animal is the Bears, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation.

Coltonia is ranked 272,779^th in the world and 5,922^nd in The North Pacific for Most Patriotic, with 0.7 flags saluted per person per day.